Sitting at my Ono Sendai


2 days in
August 26, 2009, 12:40 am
Filed under: thoughts

Really, I had hopes this wouldn’t happen. I really did. I tried to start the semester with a positive outlook. And not be bitter or angsty about things. But it only took two days for me to return to being bitter. and annoyed. and punctuated improperly. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things. I was also kind of offended that someone I’ve known since freshman year, someone I consider to be a friend, couldn’t even remember my name. And by kind of, I mean fairly offended. Because goddamn, I don’t care how bad your memory is for these things, he didn’t even remember the name he called me for the entire first year he knew me (“Darnell”, don’t ask). That was just an intro, and remembering that these are no longer the days of yesterStern.

Honestly, every little thing is just lacking any sort of luster. I have yet to be bitter about classes, that probably comes later. I’m looking forward to PAX, and then that’s it. For the rest of the semester. smiles tried telling me to cheer up somehow, maybe play games, but I’ve exhausted Fallout 3 to the point where I just wander around more-than-aimlessly and shoot things but no longer process it as a distracting activity.

What can I do? I can’t draw, I can’t write (I once could, but now everything I write is shit). chrisamaphone gave me a character to work with, and I’ve been really careful to do anything with the character because I don’t want to ruin something. Not that it’s a bad character, just…my confidence in my writing is somehow back to an all-time low and it would be like touching something really beautiful with disease ridden hands. Even though I know the disease is in my head, I can’t convince myself to ruin something else. A fault of my own, always.

We’ll see, maybe I really should take a semester off, although I don’t know what the point would be. There’s nothing I could accomplish on a semester off that I couldn’t during the semester. I’m happier when there are people around, and at the same time, people manage to frustrate me or find strange ways to make me feel lonely or stupid or both. If I remembered what dark coffee tasted like correctly, I’m probably approximately as bitter as that right now.

add.: the interesting bit is that upon much reflection I’ve realized that I conditioned myself quite stupidly to be angry at myself. And still am, despite realizing this a while ago.

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chrisamaphone gave me a character to work with, and I’ve been really careful to do anything with the character because I don’t want to ruin something. Not that it’s a bad character, just…my confidence in my writing is somehow back to an all-time low and it would be like touching something really beautiful with disease ridden hands.

With one additional important difference: If you touch an actual beautiful thing with diseased hands, you can infect the thing. With this character, you could make pretty much infinite copies by writing, re-writing, and re-creating when things don’t come out right. Could be worth a try :-)

Comment by Greg




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