Sitting at my Ono Sendai

from a conversation earlier, archived for posterity, and because I think me being able to say this has been helpful not just to him, but to me as well.

02:19 < DeMarko> lroop: I mean, I was long convinced you were a robot programmed to demean yourself because you were made in a small town somewhere
02:20  * DeMarko would like to say your identity isn’t just where you’re from, but thinks that is defeatingly cliché?
02:20 < lroop> DeMarko: I’m working on it. I’m *trying* to be less dissatisfied with myself, it’s just being kind of a slow process.  I’m open to suggestions if you have any thoughts on what would make me more happy with who I am
02:21 < DeMarko> lroop: my only suggestion is stop being hung up on that. it’s funny that I’m saying this, having been hung up on many different things
02:21 < DeMarko> it’s not a flaw of you, it’s a challenge you overcame
02:22 < DeMarko> you were from a small town, you overcame that adversity, you’re at a top school now
02:22 < DeMarko> think of it like that
02:22 < DeMarko> I’m from FREAKING PERU
02:22 < lroop> valid point. I’m certain getting into CMU from Peru is much harder than getting in from VA
02:22 < DeMarko> does that kind of make sense? you like, rocked that challenge
02:23 < DeMarko> have you played D&D? I have a D&D term I want to use, but not sure it’s appropriate
02:23 < lroop> yes. I’ve made something of myself. first person from my high school to apply here.
02:23 < DeMarko> exactly!
02:23 < lroop> DeMarko: No, I’ve never played D&D. Always kinda wanted to, was never able to find a group of people who seemed receptive to a n00b
02:23 < DeMarko> that’s a step, that’s how you think of it
02:23 < DeMarko> oh well
02:24 < Elly> lroop: I don’t think you could point to a single one of us that sees the world “like a normal human”
02:24 < DeMarko> let’s say, I think your background is best used as bardic knowledge
02:24 < DeMarko> like…obscure knowledge, that has been granted to you from your upbringing and adventures
02:24 < DeMarko> and you should use it to your advantage, not let it become this hinderance
02:25 < lroop> DeMarko: haha probably… very good point. I should use my past more as a reference, and less as who I am now.
02:25 < lroop> and I”m definitely not the person I was when I came here 2 years ago anyhow
02:25 < DeMarko> lroop: exactly!
02:25 < DeMarko> and you can keep changing
02:26 < DeMarko> maybe you were never allowed to be the person you wanted to be back home, like, it’s a possibility
02:26 < DeMarko> I was certainly never availed of the many geeky opportunities I have been given at CMU
02:27 < DeMarko> getting drunk and learning lambda calculus? talking about high energy physics and theater in the same conversation?
02:27 < DeMarko> holy shit man, life is awesome, embrace that
02:28 < mrwright> DeMarko++ for the last few minutes
02:28 < bblum> :)
02:28 < DeMarko> I mean, idunno, it makes sense, right? I’ve been thinking about it for a while
02:28 < DeMarko> and I didn’t mean to pick on you specifically lroop
02:29 < lroop> hehe yeah… or having people actually be impressed with the fact that I can disassemble and repair a laser printer. or meeting a girl who thinks designing a computer processor sounds like fun
02:29 < DeMarko> but I felt the advice might be applicable to you
02:29 < lroop> DeMarko; I don’t take offense. I’m well aware that I’m not always the most pleasant person in the world, and that I tend to be too harsh on myself.
02:31 < DeMarko> lroop: :)
02:31  * DeMarko hugs lroop
02:31 < DeMarko> you’re gonna turn out alright, you gotta work on it, but you’ll be alright

at this point, my biggest fear is running out of coping mechanisms before the end of the semester. crossing them off slowly…

note: I found this in the draft archive, according to the timestamp, I wrote it on the last day of summer break. Either way, the characters had no names, because I think I gave them names, hated them and just left them nameless. I suck at writing, but I try anyway?

[part of a head is seen poking into the door frame. the corner of a pair of red glasses shows for a moment before hearing a quick gasp and scamper back into the hallway]

No wait! Cute girl! Don’t run! [our hero gets up and tries to run down the hall after her, crashing into the wall opposite the door he finds an empty, long hallway] …what…the?

[friend strolls casually out to meet our hero-in-disbelief]

…-all I’m saying is that the merit of pursuing pure collectivism in society is unfortunately unachievable with the individual selfishness we’ve promoted over the years of building a capitalist culture. Wait…what are you doing on the wall?

You didn’t see her?!

See who?

The cutest girl in our linalg class! She popped her head into the cluster door and then ran off spooked. Maybe she wanted something.

[gestures in front of himself trying to connect some thoughts] So…what you’re saying is, a girl you’ve never talked to, in a class you hate, ran down this hall…when she noticed you noticed her and you think she wants something from you?

I didn’t…I didn’t say it made sense. But maybe she’s just really shy and I scared her! [terrified] ohgodIhopeIdidn’tscareher!

I don’t get you. We’ve been friends since the third grade, and I still don’t get you. She’s just some silly girl, it’s like you’re some loser in some pathetic story or something! Get over it, we need to get to our next class.

I wonder what she wante-

[friend yanks our less-than hero by the collar]

sometimes, a playlist isn’t just a playlist.

once, because I was/am a dumb human, I made a playlist that hurt to listen to. All those songs that would remind me of the pieces of something that I thought was. And it was the weirdest playlist too, you wouldn’t know there was a connection at all if you glanced at it.

Man, that was dumb. That was a dumb thing to do.

But what came of it, I found that interesting: I can’t make playlists anymore. I’ll try, and they suck, so much. I set out with a good idea, throw a couple songs in and then begin messing it up.

I’ve talked to a couple people about this, it has to do with how I connect music in my head. I talked to a professional about this once, they nodded and didn’t understand, it was like Stump the Experts.

It’s just weird…I tried again tonight, for the first time in a while. This one started ok…but I don’t know how it got to Let’s Dance to Joy Division…